Every Tuesday in her column, Prudence asks readers for their opinions on questions that stump her. She plans to post her final thoughts on the issue on Friday.
Here are this week's dilemmas and their answers.thanks to Michelle, Uncle Rico, Mabie, Old Lady Fitness Instructor, Mike Nitibach, Erin, and I Dare You Not to Look For their ideas!
Dear Prudence,
I (she) am being ignored by my new gym coach. By the way, I have been participating in martial arts for the past five years. Even though this sport is male-dominated, all the coaches I've had have always been welcoming to me and other women (with the exception of this one). In the 6 weeks I've been at this gym, this coach has never said hello to me, given me any feedback during class, or made eye contact with me. I've been paying attention and have yet to see him interact with any women other than his wife. I thought maybe he was just a misogynist and thought women shouldn't play this sport, but he is very encouraging of his wife's training. He even seems like a nice guy. I don't want this guy to ignore me forever because getting attention in class is essential to getting better at this sport. I don't know if there's anything he can do to get him to acknowledge me.
—Tired of being ignored
Dear, thank you for your hard work.
This is not about you, but about your coach's relationship with his wife and the wrong way you decided to address her concerns (which may be valid!) about his relationships with other women. . Many readers who responded to your letter also had the same reaction as me, confirming my intuition and saying that you don't need to read 200 letters a week about infidelity and jealousy to know what's going on here. , he suggested.
Michelle: The man may be following the “Billy Graham Rule” popularized by former Vice President Mike Pence, which states that men should not spend time alone with women other than their wives. In this case, the coach appears to be refusing to interact with female students other than his wife. His beliefs are not your problem. Your problem is paying for coaching. However, before you go straight to the manager, you can also gather the other women in your class to corner the coach. “We all notice that you don't give feedback, encouragement, or even hello to your female students other than your wife. Can you please explain this to me?” If the issue persists, please Please go to the people's room.
Uncle Rico: Hmm. It sounds like he ignores all women except his wife for his purposes. Perhaps he has a Mike Pence vibe and cannot resist the temptation of interacting with women for religious reasons. Maybe his wife is very jealous, maybe she's being punished for a past transgression…the reason doesn't matter. He's paying for guidance and he's not getting it. Let's talk to him directly. “Hey, he could use some coaching, but I don't think he's getting any coaching. He really wants to improve.” This might work if you talk to him and his wife at the same time. yeah. He should be friends with her. And definitely go to the manager. If you do this, talk to a few other women, compare notes, and perhaps go to either your instructor or manager together. But this is not correct. Especially since he's wasting your precious time.
Mabee: After your next class, go to your coach and say, “Hey, name, can I have a few minutes of your time?” If he answers “yes,” then say, “I really want to keep developing my skills, but I'm having a hard time getting feedback during class and not feeling like I can improve.” Can you help me with this?'' If he says he doesn't have time to talk, I'll talk to the gym manager. The same goes if he listens but ends up making you angry. “I'm having a hard time because my coach doesn't seem willing to work with me like he does with the rest of the class, especially all the men in the class and their wives. I'm trying to grow it with him. “But it didn't get anywhere. I don't know what the problem is, but it's that they're not getting the meaningful instruction they deserve in class.”
You'll see some suggestions for speaking directly to your coach or gym director and specifically requesting the attention and feedback you're giving them. I don't think that's wrong. You are absolutely entitled to take this approach. However, personally, after complaining to the director, I don't want to receive face-to-face, intimate services like coaching. It's different than asking a contractor to come back to fix your cabinets. The awkwardness of knowing that the coach doesn't want to make eye contact and he's doing it because he's told he has to is going to take away from the experience. For me. You need to decide if you feel the same way.
I wish I had better advice, but I have to agree with the people who suggested getting out of there. If it helps, this behavior really calls into question his professionalism and should make you wonder if he's lacking in other areas as well. You deserve more!
Old lady fitness instructor: I (mainly) teach at a martial arts gym. And I think this is all a tribute to most instructors who work with people of different levels, interests and abilities and do it with a smile? This guy is stupid. Leave. Find another gym with a supportive coach. Life is too short to throw money at a gym that gets ignored.
Mike Nitiback: So, on the one hand, you can try a ton of analysis and research to understand why this guy acts this way. And you can tell the gym management that you need to somehow induce him to change his behavior. Imagine the best outcome if all these outcomes were weighed against the mental and emotional effort to move the needle. It means that someone who for some reason doesn't want to pay attention to you during class will reluctantly pay attention to you. Find another gym.
Erin: If it's a positive, supportive training environment, you won't have to “convince anyone” or convince them that you're worth their time and attention. That's a big red flag. This situation says a lot about this coach (not good) and does not reflect your worth. It's even worse if he is the main instructor. It is unacceptable to be ignored by an instructor when you are paying to learn from them. If you live in or near a decent-sized city, try a few other gyms to get a more supportive training environment that supports you and your goals (competitive or otherwise). See if you can find it. Add a little unsolicited advice. If you don't feel like training, just do it. In my 8 years with him, I have never once regretted taking part in his training. I wish you success in your training!
It's depressing to think you might have to change gyms because of something that's not your fault. To lighten things up, I also wanted to share this suggestion that I found interesting and creative.
It's better not to see it: In ballet, if the instructor won't admit you or the teacher won't teach you, you use the “nuclear option.” You dance so bad that I can't ignore you. If everyone is looking to the right, you may turn to the left and fall. If you don't point your toes aggressively and make sure you're 3 counts behind in your choreography, you'll get points. You make it impossible for them to ignore you. It's the nuclear option because you're publicly calling for it, but it always works. In the worst case scenario, you'll end up attracting more attention than you wanted in the weeks that follow. It's still better than being ignored! I'm not sure of the martial arts equivalent of dancing like a nincompoop, but I encourage you to get creative.
it's worth it try.
