On the one hand, we live in a golden age of self-actualization. When you reach middle age and tell people you want to learn trapeze, or announce that you're starting over as a notary public, you'll probably get a “Good for you!” response.
But putting aside the fact that you're trying to be a hockey fan, the Bruins are in the playoffs, so having more sports in your conversational arsenal can't be a bad thing. And get ready to fold your wings.
“That's impossible,” one woman told me flatly. Apparently, if she didn't play hockey as a child or grew up in a hockey family, that window is closed. “You can’t even jump on the bandwagon,” she added. “Because that would mean I would have to watch the game. At least be game” (this is harder than you think).
There's no question that those already blessed with Bruins fans are passionate. According to a team spokesperson, the team has sold out regular and postseason games for the past 620 consecutive games. It dates back to 2009. There's no question the team is having a more successful season than the Patriots or Red Sox. And hockey was the sport played by Bobby Orr, one of Boston's most beloved heroes.
But the Sox and Patriots are part of the fabric of the city in a different way than the Bruins. We're still under Brady and Belichick, and they're not even the Patriots anymore. We're still crazy about Gisele, but she's a former Bostonian and the ex-wife of a former player.
Even if you're not a fan, you can experience the feeling of “The Yankees are the worst!” And as for the Celtics, it's true they've only won a championship once since 1986, but between their famous parquet flooring and all those flags, they've managed to maintain their mystique. It's here.
Bruins? Indeed, half a century ago, when Orr was part of a highly glamorous team, they were great; in the words of my colleague Dan Shaughnessy, they “were the Beatles.”
But now? It's hard to remember when hockey season started and ended. I found out (very recently) that it actually happens at set times, but it feels like a Jewish holiday, constantly moving around on the calendar and appearing at surprising times. What, the forsythia are blooming and you're still skating?
“I feel like the Bruins are kind of secretive sometimes,” comedian Will Noonan said. He grew up playing youth hockey here.
If you stand in front of City Hall and ask a passerby to name the Bruins players, here's the lineup:
“I'm trying to think of that,” said a legal assistant named Maggie. But she couldn't do it. “The Celtics keep popping into my head,” she said.
“Who are the current players?” the woman asked. She declined to give her first name, but she acknowledged that she works at City Hall, in the very heart of Boston.
The reporter threw her a bone. Please name a past player. “Bobby, something?” she stammered.
“Oh, nothing,” said a woman named Angie. She works in the concession stand at The Garden, where the Bruins play 41 regular season games a year. “I know number 31, but what's his name?” (I checked the Bruins roster and couldn't find number 31.)
What are the Bruins doing wrong (on the ice, I mean)? Trenni Casey, host of NBC Sports Boston’s “Early Edition,” put it bluntly. “Can you tell me a commercial with a hockey player???” she emailed. “How can the average person get excited without State Farm advertising?”
right! How can I get interested in a hockey team that is only modest? . . hockey?
For the Bruins, they have some built-in challenges that they need to make up for. Turnoffs include: The puck is too small and moves too fast. battle. The fact that you can't tell who's who because they're covered in pads and helmets and moving around. And of course the color scheme. Black and gold? perhaps . . . If it's hazard tape.
But imagine if player number 31 (or any real player) were dating, say, Zendaya, these drawbacks might be negligible.
This is not just a guess. Taylor Swift's romance with Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce helped the NFL record its highest-rated regular season for women since tracking began in 2000, according to Front Office Sports. The brand value to the team and league is worth $331.5 million.
It also makes my heart swell thanks to the rise of the romance novel subgenre, which consists of hockey romance novels. “Pucking Around,” “See Jane Score,” and “Behind the Net.” These books are lighthearted and not heavy on hockey, and are said to have increased interest in hockey and increased attendance in Australia.
In my case, I thought I'd start by watching the game on a big screen TV. I know it's not the same as going to a game, but it's cheaper. OK, that didn't work (although I was excited to learn about the existence of “Uncle Cam”).
My next action was to pretend to be a fan to fool myself. That brought me to the Garden for game two. I didn't buy a ticket so I ended up hanging out in the store with my 20 month old. When the match finally ended, I said a prayer and plunged into the stream of black and gold humanity emerging from the arena.
The Bruins lost, but the group was in good spirits, so I allowed fans to flood me with jerseys, hats, and crazy oversized chain necklaces. Unfortunately, although I absorbed the product, I did not feel any joy. So I closed my notebook and headed to Causeway Street, part of the mob.
There were so many people that cars had to stop for us, and I, protected by the faith of the fans and the bubbles of my hoodie, felt a tingling sensation and for a moment wished I had bought some foam fingers. I thought.
Beth Teitell can be reached at beth.teitell@globe.com.follow her @bethteitell.
