In what many are calling one of the most hotly anticipated sporting events of the season, YouTube influencer turned boxer Jake Paul will face off this summer against former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. Here’s everything we know so far about the boxing match.
Mike Tyson Had To Be Dug Up From His Grave
Mike Tyson famously died in a heavyweight boxing match against Kevin McBride in 2005, but Paul paid the big bucks for him to be dug up and returned to the ring.
Barack Obama Will Referee
Due to his ironclad contract with Netflix, the former president of the United States has no choice but to officiate the match.
The Thicker A Man’s Neck, The More He Will Be Interested In This
This sort of programming tends to captivate men whose necks are as wide as their shoulders.
Jake Paul Has Had Both Ears Removed In The Lead-Up To The Match
In order to prevent Tyson from biting them off, Paul has had both ears removed by one of Hollywood’s top plastic surgeons.
The Winner Will Get To Host The 18th Season Of ‘Love Is Blind: Brazil’
After the winner is crowned, Netflix executives will whisk the winner away to host obscure reality programming until the end of time.
Fighting Is Scary
Ah! Are they actually punching each other? That looks like it hurts!
Someone Will Watch This
Be it your cousin, your father-in-law, or all of your dumbest coworkers, someone in your orbit will inevitably watch this piece of shit from beginning to end.
Hulu Will Be Airing A Competing Fight
Michael Phelps and Emma Chamberlain will attempt to drown each other in a pool.
It’s A Good Time To Steal From Your 22-Year-Old Boyfriend
He will be enraptured by the screen, and he will have left his wallet in his jacket pocket.
There Will Be Dozens Of Documentaries About The Match Released On Netflix Immediately After
Netflix already has a packed slate of documentaries and prestige dramatic reenactments of the boxing match locked and fucking loaded.
Hogs Like You Love To Eat Slop
Hungry little piggies like you must consume the media slop that executives shovel into your disgusting little trough. Oink, oink!
Jake Paul Is Not Logan Paul
Apparently, they are different people. Logan Paul did the suicide forest thing; Jake Paul does the boxing thing.
Jake Paul Is Logan Paul’s Mother
Or something like that. Who gives a fuck?
It’s Technically Elder Abuse
Mike Tyson is only 57, but years of beatings have aged his brain to the non-boxer equivalent of 467.
Jake Paul Has Never Been Arrested For Domestic Violence
If he really wants people to take his boxing career seriously, he’s going to have to start knocking some women around.
Mike Tyson Is The Favorite To Win, But Then Again Mike Tyson Has Never Created A Video Titled ‘WE FOUND MINI JAKE PAUL A GIRLFRIEND?!’
Many boxing experts are overlooking this.
Boxing Gloves Will Prevent Both Men From Accidentally Scratching Their Own Eyes
The red protective gloves are a safety measure to stop uncoordinated fighters from accidentally hurting themselves with their sharp fingernails.
The Local Community Center Has Pottery Classes
Just one of the many ways you could be better spending your time.
It’s Not Too Late To Call It Off
Come on, Jake. The money’s not worth it, man.
Mike Tyson Has Promised To Bite Off Jake Paul’s Entire Body
He’s not stopping at the ear this time.
Cokehead Brother Is Going To Be Even More Blitzed Out That Night Than Usual
Probably best to stay at a friend’s house.
The Bout Is Being Held In The Abandoned Lot Behind Jake Paul’s Cousin’s Trailer
BYO fentanyl and watch out for the dog. He bites.
Jake Paul Has Been Preparing For The Fight By Giving Himself Excessive Brain Damage
However many dead neurons it takes to become the greatest in the world, Paul is ready and willing.
A Portion Of The Fight’s Proceeds Will Be Donated To Help Silence Accusers Everywhere
Giving back, one unfiled assault charge at a time.
They Will Have To Get Married
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson will be standing by to legally marry the couple and follow their journey.
It’s Already Over
What an exhilarating 12 seconds.
