Dear Michael
Like all good Philadelphia sports fans, we Unionites want to love you. I really think so. We're eager to see you score, and if you do what you came here for, we'll give you lots of praise from our well-oiled lampposts.
But Michael, you're finding it very difficult to love you now.
Consider Saturday's game against the hated Loons. (By the way, you should know that the descriptor “hated” automatically applies to all opponents of all Philadelphia sports teams). But I digress.
In the first half on Saturday, you took a hard but clearly fair shoulder charge from the hated Loon for a potential breakaway. You eased your way down the mountain and immediately raised your arm at the international sign, “Where's my phone?” This is a right of passage in MLS. There are new import players coming into our league, but they don't know exactly how the game is played and run here. There, defensive robberies are allowed by indifferent referees of dubious breeding. It's no surprise that the players are surprised by their physicality in the first few games. This is your third season, start, adjust.
Do you know your teammate Daniel Gasdag? we love him He made the adjustment. The hated Rune put him in a modified figure four leglock with a People's Elbow Garnish, but still scored. We are preparing to name Daniel Viceroy of Chester.
What is the difference between you and Daniel? Gusdag knew he was playing in MLS and made adjustments.
Michael, you're playing for fans in a city that booed Mike Schmidt but later loved him. We also followed Dick Allen, but adopted him after he left town. What about Tori Turner from last year? This is an anomaly that is unlikely to be reproduced anytime soon, so don't rely on it. It's amazing how River End and other Unionites still haven't figured out how satisfying it is to yell “Booo-hre” when things aren't going well.
It would be a different story if it had been bad from the beginning, but that wasn't the case. You were at Doop-A-Palooza in the summer of '22. Thanks to this, and an increasingly friendly (some might even call it casual) gameday crowd, it now has level 22 “anti-boo armor” that its predecessor didn't have. But as your tape spreads through the League, that armor begins to show some wear, much like Beowulf when facing a dragon.
That's another thing, we're not like the old federations that sent strikers from all over the world: Venezuelan (Aristigueta), French (Routou), Polish (Przybylko), Brazilian (Santos), Jamaican. A man (Burke), a Panamanian (Ruiz), an American (Sapon & Casey, Wenger & Wheeler), a German (Herbers) were our attacking third, in the wilderness, three shots per game from Fabinho. Only a small portion of the cross sustained itself. They were asked to kill Grendel with a butter knife. Opportunities are being created from the whole team and we are getting good chances, but we are not converting. Please make adjustments.
Union ownership has invested more in you than any other *clap* player ever *clap*. But as fans, we've invested even more. Our hopes and dreams for this team, our adrenaline, our blood pressure, our lung capacity, our wealth is invested in you.
So it's time to realize where you are. Rise to the warrior status we desire. This is MLS, a slightly different league. This is Philadelphia, a slightly different city. This is a city of brotherly love and the most outrageous love/hate relationship among fanbases in this country.
we want to love you I would appreciate it if you could make adjustments. Don't be a scuffels.
Mischievously yours,
philadelphia faispull
